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Dead End Living








Chapter One:Meeting On The Doorstep








"Alanna, aren't you going to come and meet your new next door neighbors?"Mother called from the doorstep downstairs.





"Psht, no way!" I shouted from over head. Meeting the people who were moved into my dead grandmothers house were of no interest to me.





"Alanna....Now!!"My Birth right growled. I sighed, I knew I wasn't going to be able to win this. It always ended up her winning. Like she had been through it once and was a perfect profesional. So with that thought in mind I sulkily slide down the stair well and came beside my Mother. I did it dramaticly, showing that these peopel didn't interest me one bit. Standing before us were three normal looking people. A mother, A son about 15 or 16, and a boy about my age.. around 9


"Hello Alanna,"The mother said. She had a sweet smile, and nice face. As though she was carved by a profesional."This is Brian," she gestured to the older boy,"and this is Connor,"she said putting her right hand on the younger ones shoulder."And my name is Nora, it's a pleasure to meet a young lady as fiery as my little Connor is," she smiled at me and I shook her hand. So far I liked her. I turned towards the other one and shook his hand, he had a firm and tight grip, one that felt like he was a soldier or something. He had the same small, sweet smile. He smelled like fresh wood and leaves. I turned towards the younger boy, Connor, and held my hand out toward him.I was trying to be polite. But what angered me was that he turned his nose up, spun on his heel and didn't even look at me! So I copied him and didn't say a word. The grown ups were laughing so hard I think my mother almost started crying. That angered me, and I hated him!








Chapter Two:Under The Willow








It had been two years that we lived next to eachother, we were all pretty close by now. Always hanging out with eachother. I even showed both of them the spot I go to when I'm un-happy, or sad. Under the willow. We played and talked together it was just us three for so many hours of the day, that people thought we were siblings.





I was having a big fight with mother one day.. it was raining. I got so mad that I ran out into the rain and wwent to my favorite spot, the willow. But when I got there I saw Connor on the rock that I sat on usually, crying. I didn't know what to do at first, so I just stayed there watching him cry. His back was in an odd position and he didn't look to comfortable. I decided to go comfort him. Even Though I didn't know how to comfort him.





Walking over to his side, and sitting close next to him I said, "Hey Connor, whats wrong?" I placed my arm on his shoulder and started rubbing his back, I was copieing Mother's gestures, and I guess it worked.





"M-M-Mom D-Died.. Last N-Night in her s-sleep..."He sobbed on my shoulder,"G-G-Grandma's comming tomorrow to watch over us.."He put his arms around my neck, while his tears stained my shirt I thought of what to say.


"It's ok..You're alright.." I rubbed his head gently with the back of my head. I said the same sentence over and over again."I'll protect you, I won't let you get hurt ever again.." A couple hours later he had cried himself to sleep on my lap, I was still petting his wet hair, still talking to him, telling him that I would protect him, and that he would be alright. He woke the next morning and glanced at me awkwardly.


"Thank you.."He mumbled, then he looked me in the eyes, "You didn't sleep at all last night?!"


"I told you I was going to protect you...didn't I?"I mumbled gently as I collapsed onto his lap. As I was closing my eyes I felt wet lips on my cheek, I could have sworn he had kissed me....











Chapter Three:The Willow Again








Connor and I were the closest after that day, we were always together, even if it was a simple task my mother wanted us to do, he had to come with me, and I had to come with him. As we got older, the rumors about us being siblings grew fainter, and new ones apeared.. As we walked side by side in the market, we would hear whisperings of, "Aren't they just the cutest love birds you've ever seen?" and others like:"Wow, I would say perfect match,"


And when we heard them all we did was giggle and scoot a little bit closer.. giving them a small show to look for.





But the fun and enjoyment ended when Mother got a letter from the army, stating that father was muchly injuryed and needed to be brought hom for his last few months, I threw a fit and ran, crying, to the older willow, that was surprisingly still there and thriving. I collapsed on the rock beside the tree and cryed, never noticing who was standing behind me telling me soft words that I couldn't hear over the crys coming from me. I finally had no tears left to spread across my cheeks, so I turned to see Connor holding out a hand to me. I grasped his hand firmly and got up. He pulled me towards him and I hugged him so tightly I was afraid that I would crush him. But all he did was stand there, holding me. I knew he already heard the news.I placed my tired head on his shoulder and we knelt down together on the soft grass and slept there, holding to eachother, as though we would never let go


I quielty said to his ear, "Thank you.. " and we slept there all night.


The next morning He was sitting by my side watching the birds fly by. I got up as he did.


And again I said "Thank Yo-" I didn't get to finish my sentence because his lips were on mine in a second, they were blocking the words that were trying to excape, but yet...I didn't jerk, or move away, it just came natural.


We stopped as we heard our mothers calling for us, I ran towards my mother, he ran towards him. I knew that we had an awkward moment, but..for some reason I knew I that I liked it, no matter how awkward it was.








Chapter Four: Leaving!





It had been six years we had been together, we were closer then ever Connor and I, especially after the kiss we had at the willow. I was so happy that..where ever I went I got little glances of joy and winks from people I didn't even know. But..the fun of course ended.. Connor and Brian were leaving..for good. They were going off to fight for their country. I couldn't belive it.. they were leaving me.. Connor was leaving me.. I couldn't take it.





I hugged Brian a good farewell, wishing him a safe journey. He already knew the feelings I had for Connor, so he didn't take long by saying goodbye.


It came to Connor's turn, we looked at eachother for a logn time, and grasped eachother tightly, I didn't want him to go. I needed to tell him something, something important. Yet, the words wouldn't come out of my mouth, not one single word.





He came up to me shakily, and looked at me with his loving eyes, the kind of eyes that seemed to never blink when looking at you. A single tear dribbled down my cheek, he wiped it away with his thumb and bent down to hug me, I hug tightly back.


"Will you come back..?"I asked shakily.


"Of course I will, I will never leave you alone, I'll always come back, especially..to.. You,"He said cupping his hand over my cheek. With that he and his brother left me standing on the snowy road. While watching them walk away, I had a feeling in my stomach that I wouldn't see both of them for a long time.








Chapter Five: Ones Return





I awoke lazily to beating on my door, being 25 and going to bed at 3 in the morning..so not good to do. I grunted and slipped on a pair of slippers. Opening the door was the easy part, seeing who stood outside of it was the horrible part.





"Brian!?"I exclaimed throwing myself at my old freind who was getting older then ever."Where in the world have you been??? I've missed you so much, how are you?"


"I..haven't came back for sure yet.. I just came back to give people..news.."His face was drawn and un-happy, like it usually was.


"I..what kind of news is that?"


"Well, I figured you would want to know first.. You see Connor is... gone.."He said tears swelling up in his eyes.


"Gone.. you mean..No..that..that can't be.. He promised he would come back.."I whispered half to myself half to him.


"I know.. the..the funeral is tomorrow..if you want to come.."With that he bowed, and left me standing in the doorway, my whole body hurt.. especially my heart.





Chapter Six: Not what it seems








Not a lot of people cam to the funeral.. But not too little as well. When everyone except Brian and I had said some words, Brian was called to the stand.


I shivered, I knew I couldn't do it, even though I needed to..horribly.


"He..was an amazing brother, always near me, never faught with me, we were closer then ever.No matter how tough the times got I knew he would be there for me. And I for him. Although his face will be lost within the raging circle of time, his memory will still be aflame," Brian had said so little, yet so much for him.. I almost broke down..almost slide out of conciousness..never to awake untill at least five years past.


The Priest came back up to the stand and said in a low whisper to me, "Would you like to come up and share something about Connor?"


I had no choice. I got to my feet and went towards the stand, I glanced awkwardly at the grave that lay before me, with Connor's date of birth and date of death written in small but eligant letters. "Connor was.. " I stopped for a second as tears swelled in my eyes,"Connor was.." I couldn't do it, Tears streamed down my face and I was led off the stage by Brian, who was also crying. When I was out of Brian's grasp I ran towards the willow, I still couldn't belive that it was still alive and thriving. I cried on that rock for it seems like hours.


"I Haven't seen you cry in awhile.."


Wait..I knew that voice, I jolted up and looked everywhere..it must've been my imagination


"Alana..."


Why does my imagination have to toy with my feelings.. I got up and went back to the semitary..there were a few words I had to say before I gave up on life.





Chapter Six: Confessions





When I got to his grave I thought of all the memories I had with him, all the times that we were with eatchother, none stop. I smiled mornfully.


"You were truly an amazing person, Connor.." I said looking at the head stone. I was tryign to keep calm, but seeing his name was just too much for me, I fell to my nees on the moist grass just before his head stone and started saying the same exact sentence over and over again: "I need to tell you something...something important.. I need to tell you.. Need to tell you.. to tell you...tell you that I.."


"Now, what can be so important to tell a dead person?"


That voice again.."Stop! Stop playing with me!!" I screamed.. and started punching the earth beneath me.


I felt warm hands on my hips, lifting me up, while I was still punching the air, with full force."Now, thats no way to treat a long lost freind, wouldn't you think?" I turned my tear stained face towards whoever sounded like my..my love.. I gasped.


"No..No your..your supposed to be dead!" I screamed at the person who looked liek Connor..only all grown up.


"Funny how the army never found my body.. " He said, "God, How I've missed you so much, and look at you..your simply beautiful!"


"Connor..." I placed my aching head on his shoulder and sqeezed him tight, so tight that I don't think I would ever let go of him again.


"Now tell me.. what is it that you needed to tell me so bad?" He asked looking at me sincerly.


"Connor..I should've told you sooner, before you..you left me here.. but now since your back..Connor..I.." I stopped, I didn't think I was going to be able to do it. Miraculously, The words erupted out of my mouth with no worry or wrong in them, "Connor I am totally and completely in love with you,"


He smiled, and took my hands in his, "I'm so glad to hear that.. Alanna, I love you more then life its self.. and I need you by my side every waking moment of the rest of my life. If only you would do that simple task for me.." He suddenyl stopped and he drew me closer, then closer, untill our nees were touching. He bent in to my face and looked at me to see what I would do next. I finished for him, we kissed for it seemed like a what seemed liek a decade. I loved him, and he loved me.








So I suppose the name says it all.























This story was planned and written by:











Bree

How's THIS story going?
YAHHHHHH!!!!! Aww...you got me crying!! Please write more!! Please! Please! For me? Please? You should write a big book, not just short stories! Ah! I loved it so much! It was incredible! OMG! *can't stop laughing, wiping away tears*
Reply:Very short chapters. Lots of spelling and grammatical errors. No suspense or character development. Good dialog, though. Keep writing. Eventually, you may write something publishable.
Reply:Hmm.....after some revising it'll be pretty good. Also try more twists in syntax to bring emphasis to something. For example :"I loved him, and he loved me." Revise this sentence so it's "I loved him, he loved me." It just has a better effect.





Also some spelling and grammar errors.





Good job.





EDIT: No suspense, kind of boring, I didn't really understand the characters.
Reply:I enjoyed it very much. You need longer chapters and check your grammar. I would read other things like it. It was very interesting. Keep writing, your a natural.
Reply:I like it when books have short chapters, cause then it feels like your getting somewhere
Reply:Everything is more summarized and told then actually shown to the reader. For example, the thing about her mother telling her that her father was injured. You told us that happened. But in a book, the character would come home to see her mother looking grave. Thoughts would run through her mind. What could've happened? Then you'd go into detail about how her mother slowly explains, looking unsure of herself. The character needs to have a past, so it might detail how she remembered another time that happened, like when the family dog died.


The adjectives were made for second graders. "Sweet and nice face". Everything can look nice to SOMEONE. That description doesn't help us at all picture that woman. She could be rosy cheeked with full lips, her puffy blonde hair surrounding her small face. Or she could have black silky hair, big brown eyes, and tanned skin. Anything.


The chapters much too short. It would make a poorly written short story, but not a chapter story.


You've got a long way to go, but if you read constantly and take writing classes, you can get to the point where you're stories will be great. But remember, even the best of stories don't ever get published.
Reply:Everything said by the others is basically true. You need a good edit for starters. Spelling and grammar errors. One or two changes in tense. Some places where your paragraphs need to be broken down more logically. Your dialogue isn't too bad but don't rely on it so much to tell your story. Your readers have four other senses. Tell us how things look, or even feel, smell or taste. That is what draws the reader into a story. Pages and pages of dialogue tend to bore readers quickly. Mix it up more.





You need a lot more character development. Stop writing and work on character studies. You should know your characters inside and out. If I asked you how does Alanna brush her teeth - up and down or sideways? You should be able to tell me immediately. Or what her favorite flavor of ice cream is. Or even what her grade in math was last semester. I always work to know my characters intimately.





The more you know about your characters the better they become. Now, they are flat and two dimensional. Flesh them out - give them life. That is also how you start to develop backstories and subplots. Nobody has just one thing going on in their lives. People's lives rub against other people's lives and those are your backstories and subplots. A book should tell several stories within one story. At the end, you should have several endings to tie up.





This is a start for you. Your writing is simplistic and has a child-like quality. That is to be expected. As you hone and develop your writing skills, your style will grow. Just work on your basics -- spelling and grammar are your basic tools for communication. Learn how to use them properly.





And by all means, never share work until you have checked it over. If I was an editor reading this, I would have stopped after two or three paragraphs and sent you a rejection notice. Often you only get a few minutes of a publisher's time before they decide the fate of your work. You have to have a strong beginning and a perfect manuscript or they will bounce you and move on to something else. Also, I think it shows pride in your work. Never show readers something until you have worked it over and made sure it is perfect. Your work is a reflection of you. Always remember that. Learn to use your computer as a writing tool. Word has spellcheck and grammar check settings. Learn to use them. It is a tremendous help.





Good luck to you. Pax - C

cassell